All the Pieces

     Today was just one of those days…one where the smallest things seemed really big and I'm sitting here at bedtime wishing I was exhausted over things that matter more.  I flew into our mid-week Bible study after some small defeats that come with being a wife, mother, and teacher, having my e-mail hacked and losing all of my contacts and saved messages, and about a thousand other absent-minded things I had done running through my mind.  Thankfully, the lesson helped me re-evaluate, and on our long trip home, I overheard my girls singing along with our newest favorite CD.  I stopped my own singing to hear Altar sing the words, "I'm letting go of all the pieces that I try to keep from falling down…You're the only One who can heal a heart like mine."  I couldn't help but be thankful that God was using her innocent words to minister to my frazzled mind and heart.

     Just as we pulled into our driveway, I overheard her singing, "This is my temporary home…not where I belong…windows and rooms…that I'm passing through", and I was reminded the pieces I was carrying were all temporary things…on the way to where we're going.  By this time I had convinced myself I was over my bad day, just to walk into the house and drop something borrowed that will cost me $200 to replace.  I would love to say I handled it all with a lovely disposition, but such was NOT the case.  I grumped and griped everyone off to bed then went into the bathroom and had a good cry.  I failed the test miserably.  Our carried pieces just have to fall sometimes.  Take it from me…there's a lot less mess if you lay them at His feet.

"I'm letting go of all the pieces

that I try to keep from falling down.

You're the only One who can heal a heart like mine.

I'm reaching out, so help me, Jesus.

Take all of me and lay it on the ground.

I'm trusting You one day at a time."     

So Bee It

     I haven't blogged since February!  Can you believe that?!!?  Shame on me.  Life has a way of getting away from you, doesn't it?  Typing that last sentence reminded me of a story my Aunt Pat tells about a swarm of bees chasing her down a hill and how her head got way out ahead of her feet, and she ended up rolling the rest of the way.  Life is like that.  I'm like that.  Instead of ordered steps, I let my "head" lead the way.  That's just how I roll. Bahahaha!  Get it?  Roll?  Seriously, though…

     In my time off school in the last several weeks, I've taken a long, brutally honest look at myself.  And between you and me, I'm pretty pathetic.  I just can't seem to get it all together.  The changes in my life in this year have been staggering, and, honestly, as dream-fulfilling as some of them have been, they have come at a great cost.  The cost will never stop breaking my heart.  It just never will.  I'm not sure I could even give it up now.  It's all I have left of so many years of my life.  When it seems like everyone and everything else has moved on and forgotten it, the hurt reminds me that I loved…and that God is love…and if that's the only way I can be like Him, then so be it.  It has brought me closer to Him, and in a way I can't explain, I can feel Him healing and working in spite of it.

     I wasn't expecting to say all of that, but there ya go.  Just so you know, I'm still here.  I would promise to blog more, but we both know that's just a lot of hooey.  I do love you, friends.  And if you're among the ones I seldom see face to face, let me encourage you to stop trying to outrun the stings.  You can never thank God for His healing if you never love so much it hurts.   

Standing By

A post I began last Friday, and just got around to finishing up:

   

     This morning, after hearing school was cancelled because of an ice storm, I sat down at my desk, in warm jammies, with a hot cup of coffee, excited to begin studying Ezekiel.  (sidebar:  I don't know if there's a limit on how many prepositional phrases are allowed in one sentence, but I'm pretty sure I just karate chopped that rule with that one.  Anyway…)  (Wait.  Another sidebar:  I was only half-excited.  The prophets scare me.  There.  I said it.  I struggle to grasp and hang on to everything in them.  With that being said…)

     I started in Ezekiel 1:1 (duh), and literally never made it past that verse.  It wasn't my normal start and stop, start and stop, start and stop confusion that left me there, though.  God used the three words, "among the captives", as a sort of balm to my hurt.  Amazing, how three words can take up so much time, have so much meaning, and make life seem a little more faceable.  Faceable…is that a word?  I don't think it is, but I think you're pickin' up what I'm puttin' down. 

     There are times in life when we feel captive.  Feeling captivated is wonderful, but feeling captive is another, entirely.  Can much come of captivity?  In Ezekiel's case, the heavens were opened and he saw visions of God he would have missed in Israel.  He and Daniel (& Jonah, in Nineveh) were the only prophets of the Old Testament who lived and prophesied anywhere but in Israel.  That seems significant to me.  You'll never convince me that God intends for us to live a life of captivity, but I am equally convinced that He can use it to our advantage…and more importantly, to the advantage of others.  Here, by this river in Babylon, Ezekiel sat down and saw visions of God.  I wonder if he would have missed the opportunity back in Israel.  I wonder if he would have slowed his service long enough to hear what God had to say.  I wonder how much like Ezekiel I have been. 

     There's no point in wasting time pretending that if God allows us to be "sifted", there's not something that needs sifted.  Israel's captivity was the reaping of sins they had sown, and Ezekiel was there to call them to repentance…and to repent, himself.  What a loving Savior to visit our "captivity" with "visions" of judgement…and then, of forgiveness and restoration!  He may seem to be in the shadows…but be sure that He is standing by.  Our harps may be hanged…but they're not hidden from our sight…or His.  The song is still the Lord's!

"But when the children of Israel cried unto the LORD, the LORD

raised them up a deliverer…" Judges 3:15

Brethren, Pray For Us

     I haven't the time for writing today.  School clothes need picked out, laundry needs put away, lesson plans need reviewed, and on and on and on.  As much as I would like to say some deep life lesson has placed me at the laptop this evening, I'm sitting here wondering how on earth some people could be so cruel - how others could be so clueless - and how the enemy knows just how to send them to kick you when you're down.  I simply had to stop and ask for your prayer.

      Let's be honest.  There are times when God, Who is "our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble" doesn't feel very present...and strength is the very last thing we seem to possess.  Refuge seems like a thing of the past in these times.  Everything feels exposed and vulnerable, and we're left feeling like outsiders looking in.  I hate those times.  I hate this time that I'm in.   

     People keep telling me I'll look back and realize some great victory came of it all.  As much as I appreciate their words of encouragement, I'm just not sure they're right.  Sometimes, there's only loss and pain.  It's just the world we live in.  If you're staring down your nose at this critically, you just haven't been where I am.  I won't hold that against you.  I hope you're never here, friend.  I really mean that. 

     Several weeks ago, Clark and I made the most difficult decision we have ever had to make.  Instead of feeling like a death, it has felt like a hundred deaths…none so grievous as the ministry we loved and cherished.  I have never been more proud of my husband for his integrity and spiritual leading in the matter. The grief of it all hasn't made us doubt God's command in the matter.   But, no matter how sure I am that it was the right decision, the grief simply seems unbearable right now.  I am thankful to know He is leading, but we're still searching the valley for green pastures and still waters.  I am asking you as friends to pray for us.  We have no axe to grind.  We just want to heal.  Our love for our fellow brothers and sisters in Christ has only grown in the absence, and now, more than ever, we pray they are blessed.

"I'm not driven down this path I trod. 
I follow Him by choice.

I don't need to see the way ahead. 
I only need to hear the Shepherd's voice."

"Brethren, pray for us."  I Thessalonians 5:25

Resolution

res·o·lu·tion - a resolve or determination:  the mental state or quality of being resolved or resolute; firmness of purpose.

    Another year over…  James could have penned no truer words than those describing life as a vapor.  It really is, isn’t it?  This day is always a bittersweet one for me.  I always stand amazed at God’s provision throughout the year, but I am always left wondering if I’ve used what He has provided for His purpose and glory.  I try to thank Him for the blessings He’ll bestow in the new year, but find myself on edge that this could be the year…we lose a loved one, the year we lose a job, the year someone we love turns from the truth, the year (you fill in the blank).  The blank can be terrifying.  And if you’re anything like me, you have probably found yourself piling it full of every horrible thing imaginable…even rummaging through old closets, digging up past failures and the disgrace they could bring and tossing them onto the blank with all the rest of the unthinkable.  I have never been good at filling in blanks.

     I used to be terrified of making New Year’s resolutions.  Honestly, it still makes me a little sick to my stomach.  Because, no matter how well-intended, mine have mostly been things that I was determined to see change…not necessarily things I was determined to do until the change came about.  Some criticize resolutions, but it is important to remember that the difference Daniel made stemmed from what he had “purposed in his heart.”(Daniel 1:8)   Historically, very little difference has been made where there was no one resolved to die trying.  “And Solomon determined to build an house for the name of the LORD.” (2 Chronicles 2:1)   There has also been little accomplished where people resolved to stay the same.  Even God’s Word is ineffective where people refuse to be changed by it. 

     I certainly am no scholar, but I have read enough of God’s Word in the last twenty years to know that it never implies passivity.  “Do unto others” implies action.  We are not commanded to just leave folks alone so they’ll leave us alone.  We are to go beyond that, and actually do unto them what we would have done unto us…whether the favor is returned or not.  (If any of my 7^th & 8^th graders are reading, they probably just rolled their eyes.   I throw this one at them all the time.)  We must be very careful to realize that merely wanting change, and even praying for it is, most often, simply not enough.  If that were the case, the Bible would have no other command, besides prayer. 

     I am afraid we have turned our faith into some sort of voodoo, mind-over-matter mysticism, where we think as long as we want the right things, we’re right.  Nothing could be farther from the truth! “Pure religion and undefiled before God and the Father is this, To visit the fatherless and widows in their affliction, and to keep himself unspotted from the world.” (James 1:27)  This is an imperative command, and nothing about it suggests inactivity.  Ephesians 6:13 “…and having done all, to stand.”  The standing here certainly doesn’t mean passivity.  Even if it did mean standing at rest, (and it doesn’t) it is only after we have “done all”.  And, oh my dear friends, there is so much to be done!

     It occurs to me when seeing the definition of resolution, that it really isn’t a certain action or task, but rather the driving force behind any accomplishment.  It seems to me that it is a thing to be greatly desired.  I know that my Father owns the cattle on a thousand hills, and He can (and so often does) provide miraculously, but may we never be guilty of taking His generosity for granted.  Perhaps, instead of constantly asking for a quick fix, we should be asking for the resolution to accomplish something to please Him.  And before you count your weaknesses, remember that “ye have not because ye ask not.” 

     So, here’s the list.  As best I can know my own heart, I have purposed to do all I can to glorify God in these areas.

1.       To be the wife and mother God has called me to be, above all…no matter what must become secondary to do so.

2.      To be more real, more transparent, and more honest…no matter how difficult.

3.      To stand.

4.      To serve.

5.      To speak.

6.      To love…no exceptions.

7.      To change.  My God who changes not is nevertheless a God of change. 

Go ahead.  Make the list.  This could be the year  (you fill in the blank).

 “Thou crownest the year with thy goodness;” Psalm 65:11