The Lord’s Prayer/It is Well

Giving God Hell

     I have spent the last several months in a very dark place. In that time, the enemy convinced me that no one wanted me & my family. But, more dangerously, I was convinced that God didn't want me. I have been saved for over 30 years now and have tried to consistently study God's Word for at least 20 years of that time. I KNEW the truth, but I was in a pit so dark, I didn't feel it at all. I kept in His Word every day. I listened to teaching & preaching, because I know there is power in the spoken Word. Much of the time, I talked back to what I was hearing, even audibly sometimes. For the first time in my life, I truly became skeptical of this whole God thing. I knew how I would counsel someone in my position...thought through all the things I would say, then told God, "Those are the right answers from your Word, and I would share them because I wouldn’t  wish these feelings on a snake, but we both know I'm not buyin' it anymore." I have cried more than I've ever cried in my life. If I cried over a song, it wasn't because it had blessed me, but because I missed believing its truth. I knew I didn't deserve anything from God, but I sure as heck believed my family did and that I had taken Him at His Word, and He wasn't holding up His end of the bargain. I told God how unfair He was. I told Him He said He was a very present help in trouble, but He didn't feel very present. And, I'll be completely honest - I cussed Him more than once. And I don't even cuss. All the hell I felt inside me, I gave God. And I felt justified in giving Him hell. It has been a terrible season...the hardest of my life.
     Night before last, I went to bed crying. That's been the norm for sometime, so I didn't even bother trying to fight it. I don't even think I prayed. I just cried. I wish I could tell you that, as in times past, I felt Him whisper, "Weep tonight...but joy is coming in the morning." But that wasn't the case. I woke up, plodded through my obligatory time in His Word...that grief still heavy on my chest...feeling like I had to make myself breathe in then breathe back out again. More than once throughout this, I have felt physical pain in my heart, and I have begun to understand why people self-harm. There is no pain like heart pain. Being raised in a "We don't smoke, & we don't chew, & we don't run with boys who do" (except half my family) church, for the first time in my 42 years, I began to understand why people turn to alcohol & substances for relief. I'm really surprised I didn't turn to that myself.
     I said all of that to say this - Even though I didn't believe joy was coming, it came. It required a lot of me when it showed up. There have been some hard conversations and admittance of my own wrong-doing, as a result. There has been necessary repentance along with laying down false guilt I obliged myself to carry....because I was so strong. (Extreme sarcasm!) Avoiding confrontation and asking for forgiveness always comes at a great price for believers. For me, it cost me the joy of knowing God loved me...knowing that when my mom laid her hands on me years ago and spoke Isaiah 43:1 & 2 over me, that I am called, I am chosen, and He is with me...that waters won't overflow me and fire will not burn me. Obedience in these areas has lifted a very heavy burden, and while I still have no clue what God is doing or where He is leading, I am moving on in forgiveness and the peace of His Spirit's Presence. I’ve been in this long enough to know that grief ebbs and flows - there will be more sadness over this season because it held great value. I know the grieving process isn’t over and that there will still be bad days, from time to time. But, today I am walking in freedom and I refuse to rob God of the praise He deserves for it.
      Yesterday morning, I asked the Lord if He was upset that I talked to Him that way. As clearly as I have ever heard Him speak to my heart, He said, "No...you've just finally learned how to really pray." God isn't waiting for us to impress Him with our lofty or rehearsed prayers. He isn’t proud when we masquerade as children of light. When the light has gone out, we need to fall at His feet and sometimes reach out to other believers. He is waiting for us to be honest about how we feel about all the heartbreak, anger, and loss He has allowed. We’ll usually find that we have some fessing up to do. Some repentance to seek. Some forgiveness to beg. Or maybe just some plain throwing up our hands in surrender to the fact that He is sovereign and is working in ways we will never understand, but can only accept. Maybe this sounds crazy to some who read it. Shoot, it may be crazy to everyone, but please, I beg you - if you're fighting hell, give it to God. You have it on the authority of His Word that He has been there, and He is the only one who can handle it.

Now

     The new year (and again about half way through a year) always finds me scrambling to find somewhere to scratch out my thoughts.  Rummaging through bookshelves, yesterday, I came across a notebook with three journal entries in it.  (That's usually how far I make it in my commitment to journal.  *shamefacedness*)  This was the first of those that I tore out to make better use of the notebook.  I thought I would post it here before I tossed it.

June 21, 2017

     Looking at the final psalm of ascent, today (Psalm 134) has prompted me to begin faithfully journaling my journey with my Savior.  It is befitting that these psalms would testify of a lifelong gradual overcoming of obstacles, then end in a call to praise the Lord "now."  My "now" is far from perfect, but it is blessed, and I choose to invite God into every aspect of my life by giving Him the worship He so deserves.  Thank you, Lord, for Clark.  I love his love for your Word most, I think.  His face, his eyes, holding his hand...every part of our lives together is a treasure.  I don't want to take one thing for granted or overlook one precious thing that will one day be past.  While we struggle in church ministry, I don't want to forget or fail to fully grasp that one day, I will perhaps sit in a service without him beside me or before me preaching and teaching Your Word that has changed and constantly directs his every desire.  I will feel so lonely if that ever happens..but I will know I am not alone.  Whatever the future holds...You will be there then, as You are here now.  I will praise you then, and I will praise You now.
     Right this minute, I'm in a comfy chair with my Avonlea and the kittens playing on the rug at my feet.  Clark is at the job You have given him, and Altar is upstairs sleeping.  I am blessed now.  And You are worthy now...and forever.  Help me to always see You in the now.  To look beyond the circumstances and immediate reactions to Your presence looming over it all, allowing and working in every single situation.  Let me look beyond it all, see You, and nobly face whatever comes with confident hope of Your abiding presence.  I love you, Jesus.

Shine

  Today, I would like to offer a word of encouragement to anyone called to serve publicly.  Perhaps God has temporarily placed you where you are not regularly serving in that capacity (preaching, teaching, whatever), but make no mistake...the calling is still there, the fire still shut up in your bones.  (Jeremiah 20)  Man may try to extinguish it, but their efforts are wasted against the fire of God's calling.  Man may try to hide it, but rest assured it will burn right through anything they plant in its way.  (Matthew 5)  So, before I get to the gist of what God is speaking to my heart, I want to be clear that, though God may place us in a season of waiting or change how He is currently using us, His calling has not changed.  When Paul wrote in Romans 11:29 that "the gifts and calling of God are without repentance," he meant that God is never sorry He called us, and He never intends to revoke the calling.   I think when those of us called to speak go through silent times, God is teaching us a more sincere form of service...one that is more like Christ than any words spoken from a stage.
       There is no greater satisfaction to be found in ministry than seeing others and creating opportunities for them to use their gifts.  And when I say seeing them, I mean, really seeing them...taking time to hear their concerns, study their mannerisms, see what brings a spark to their eye, considering their strengths, their insecurities, seeing manifest what seems to be the thing they aspire to do, but feel incapable of accomplishing or even beginning.  And here's what I have learned in regard to that part of our calling as leaders - When Jesus spoke of the light in us (Matthew 5), He said it should be placed on a candle stick.  I'm afraid many of us have mistaken this to mean a stage. 
     When I feel frustrated over not having opportunities to use the gifts of my calling, I try to remember that the lamp in my home is more important than the streetlight outside.  Both are important, and while the streetlight is seen by more people, it serves a very short-term purpose and will never really meet close, personal, daily needs.  When I lose my way in the night, I don't reach for the streetlight.  When I need to see those I love so I can help meet their needs, the lamp serves a much greater purpose.  Even outside my home, I can carry that light to others in need.  The streetlight can provide general guidance, but it doesn't light the living room of the lonely widow or reach into the shadows of the wayward child.  It rarely leaves the ninety-nine to seek out the one lost sheep. 
     Much like the streetlight, though more dangerous and less effective is the spotlight.  Social media has made our spotlights more mobile, but they're still spotlights.  The thing about spotlights is you don't see much past them.  They will rarely illuminate much beyond the person at center stage.  And while we can all be blinded by who or what is being showcased, no one's vision is as distorted as the one on-stage.  Spotlights can reveal some very important things to us about ourselves or others, but be reminded that all it reveals is how you  look on stage.  You may be "lit", but remember that real ministry goes beyond the platform.  If your hands are only lifted on stage and never worn by service, you will never know true fulfillment.  In your darkest, loneliest time...you're going to need something more direct than the spotlight. Even more, the world needs lights placed on candlesticks...people willing to step off stage and light the everyday darkness people are facing.
     If you are in a season of life that seemingly feels like a "time out", you are not being punished.  In this time that seems like the lights have gone out, they haven't gone out at all.  People may be trying to hide your light, but they cannot extinguish what God has set ablaze in you.  Right now, you're learning what it really means to be the light of the world.  Because the light Jesus (not man) sets on a candlestick gives light to "all that are in the house", not only to ourselves.  So "let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father which is in heaven."  I promise He deserves all the glory. 

     

   
     
     
     
   
     
                       

The Eye of God

"Paul, an apostle, (not of men, neither by man, but by Jesus Christ, 

and God the Father, who raised him from the dead;)" Galatians 1:1    

     I have just begun an in-depth study of the book of Galatians, and for the last two days I have been hung up on the very first verse.  The Apostle Paul is greeting fellow believers of the Gal region, and as you often see in his writings, Paul is reaffirming his apostolic authority. A result of where his conversion falls on the timeline in comparison to the conversion of the other Apostles left Paul constantly defending his apostleship.  Everywhere he ministered, he met men and women skeptical of his calling...suspicious of this former persecutor of the church.  And so here, some time estimated to be no less than fifteen years after he was saved, and possibly as many as twenty-five years later, Paul has adopted the habit of greeting fellow believers with the disclaimer that he was an apostle (an authorized individual sent to fulfill a mission) ordained (granted authority) by God, Himself.  This made many Jews (non-believing and believing) very uncomfortable, because ordination was a physical laying on of hands that dates back to the Apostle Peter.  Paul was a man of many firsts, but this was huge!  He dared claim no one laid hands on and ordained him, but the very risen Christ!  That was bold, and we can understand some of the skepticism he faced early on, having previously persecuted the church and having been on his way to arrest Christians the very day Jesus appeared to him on the Damascus road.
     As I read and contemplated this verse, I understood why Paul would add this tag line to nearly every description of himself.  We must always be quick to affirm Jesus as the authority behind our calling, but I felt a sort of grief at the necessity of it with other believers.  I began to wonder that, if I had lived at this time in history and met the Apostle Paul, or any other believer, would I have greeted him, then grilled him on his authority to preach the gospel?  Had I held this letter in my hands and read the greeting, would I have been grieved for this fellow believer years into his walk with Christ continually feeling critiqued by his very own brothers and sisters in Christ?  Because I hold him in the highest respect and consider him a biblical mentor, it was pretty easy to dismiss the thought I would require Paul's disclaimer of himself.  But here's what got me:  How often do we speak to one another with a skepticism that makes them feel the need to defend the source of their authority or the motive of their actions?  Beware people who constantly require your credentials.  But, most importantly, we as believers must beware the tendency to do so, ourselves.  We should reach a place of spiritual maturity where the authority of fellow believers is spiritually discerned.  John writes in 1 John 4:1 that we "try the spirits whether they are of God", because there are false prophets...but what John suggests here is a spiritual trial of someone's motives...a discernment that welcomes someone who professes Christ, then surrenders to the Holy Spirit in us and trusts Him to reveal on what authority someone is acting, instead of questioning men the way worldly men do.  John reminds us in verse 4 that we are children of God and that the one in us (the Holy Spirit) is greater than "he that is in the world."  We CAN discern a person's sincerity and keep our mouths shut in the process.
     Our current culture commends someone who instantaneously and regularly blurts out questions against anyone and everyone.  People cross our paths and get interrogation instead of inspiration, skepticism instead of support.  They approach a fellow believer for trust but get the third degree.  James (ch. 3) wrote that this sort of behavior is the result of an untamed tongue "set on fire of hell."  Ouch!  It is a wisdom that is "not from above" (v. 15) but instead earthly, meaning this is the way the world does it.  But for believers, this "blessing and cursing" in speech, whether to someone's face or behind their back "ought not be so." (v. 10).  While we are engaged in a spiritual war that requires we be as shrewd as serpents, we cannot forget that we are simultaneously called to be as innocent as doves.  Much of maintaining our innocence before God will require most of our thoughts and concerns being taken to God alone.
     The Pharisees asked John the Baptist by what authority he baptized (John 1:25).  They asked Jesus by what authority he cleansed the temple (Mark 11:28).  The Jews asked the man healed of lameness, "Who told you, Pick up your mat and walk?" (John 5:12).  In other words, "Who gave you permission to break the Sabbath work laws?"  So, the continual examination of our motives is nothing new.  I am suggesting, based on scripture, that among fellow brothers and sisters in Christ, it be done in wisdom...and more often, in silent communion between Christ and ourselves.  Solomon said it is a fool that speaks everything in his heart (or mind), but it takes a wise man to keep those things in.  An even wiser man will carry every suspicion or well-meaning question to God before he will confront a person or (what most often happens) someone else about the authorization of a fellow believer.  None of us living now are apostles like the original twelve disciples.  We have not physically seen Jesus in a group.  We have all had to see him personally...for ourselves.  No one living now has witnessed Christ physically touching and ordaining servants.  It is a spiritual calling that we outwardly confess, therefore let us be careful to exercise spiritual discernment in examining everyone's sincerity.  It rarely needs discussed.  Words will never uncover what can only be seen with the eye of God. 
     Will we risk appearing too trusting to actually trust? There will be fakes.  We'll see our share of people in it for themselves, but if we discredit everyone not approved by a person in whom we place our confidence, we risk falling into a sort of leadership idolatry or self idolatry and missing so much of what Jesus wants us to experience.  We'll miss the miracle.  Elisabeth Elliot said of the man who would be Christlike: "We pity his naivete, his narrowness, his unreality, never suspecting that there could be in our midst a few whose minds are set on things above because their lives are hid with Christ.  A renewed mind has an utterly changed conception, not only of reality, but of possibility."  My sincerest present concern for the church is a loss of hope.  Could it be we could begin to regain hope by choosing to see the value in mankind God deemed worthy of His only Son's blood?  In one another?  In those around us who have no explanation for what drives them besides their spiritual healing?  In those of us who laid like that man by the pool of Bethesda seeing everyone be healed...but then Jesus touched us?  It was He who told us to take up our mat.  It was He who told us to go and sin no more.  Our calling, like Paul's, is not of men, neither by man, but Jesus Christ.  He qualifies us.  He is our disclaimer.  May we look beyond ourselves to see that same possibility in others and leave the rest to God.

   
     
     
     
      
   
     

Face of Surrender

     For some time now, I have been considering and imagining a life fully surrendered to Christ...its meaning, its appearance, its result. By surrender, I mean living my life as a vessel, completely yielded to the desires, responses, and disciplines of Jesus. As a pastor's wife, mother, and Christian schoolteacher, the greatest burden of my heart is not that our children and church members are becoming good Christians, but that they are becoming surrendered. Surrender will result in a fluid and changing life...not one poured into a mold and expected to "set up" & result in what the world (or Church) expects to see.
     Words of surrender will mirror the words of Christ. While surrender will sometimes compassionately call people sheep without a shepherd, at other times it will call some a generation of vipers. Often, we will find ourselves speaking kindly to someone we least expected we possibly could. Other times, surrender leads us to speak boldly when we would have previously fallen silent. Sometimes, it will lead us to be a sacrifice...led like the Lamb to the slaughter. Other times, surrender results in driving money-changers from the Temple.  In every situation, our dilemma is not to choose which way we believe Christ would respond. Our dilemma is simply choosing to surrender to His will and work. The question is not "What would Jesus do?". The question is, "Am I surrendered to Jesus?". Present tense, continual...not a decision made in a church service, but an ongoing emptying and yielding of ourselves as vessels controlled by Someone much greater. Not a man-made description we are expected to live up to, but an intimate knowledge of Jesus through His Word and His personal work in and through us.
     I have come to the conclusion that, if I have done all I possibly know to surrender to Him, that because His Spirit lives in me, my feelings just MAY be what HE is feeling. That HE is disappointed with that person's decision. That HE is upset by that sin. That HE wants more for that church. That HE wants more for my children. That HE wants to befriend the person with whom some of my Christian friends will be uncomfortable. That, perhaps, I am not a "compromiser" to accept and befriend someone outside my familiar evangelical description...that maybe, instead that kind word or outreached hand is Jesus whispering, "Whosoever will, let him come."
     I have seen a hopelessness within the body of Christ for several years...across all denominations and in every age group. Declining congregations, children growing into young adults that leave the church, staggering divorce rates, depresssion...the endless list has sent parents and church leadership into a scramble. This drive to cure lethargy and thwart hopelessness has resulted in a plethora of suggested remedies. Some will convince us we must change everything. Others will insist that we change nothing. I am not seeing real hope on either end of that spectrum. My fear is that we have created a portrait of the surrendered Christian life that has convinced our children and church members they must step into that mold to be pleasing to God. The result of this misrepresentation of surrender is hopelessness. Some cannot fit the mold and give up in despair, convinced God accepts everyone besides them. Others have no problem fitting the mold, but ultimately lack the fulfillment in Christ that gets swallowed up in guilt trips, rituals and routines.
    The men and women who experienced and shared hope in the past lived lives of total surrender to the Holy Spirit's work in them. They learned to look at their predecessors and pattern their surrender...not to pattern the past, but to surrender to the work of the Ancient of Days in THEIR day. Mary's surrender looked very different from the Apostle Paul's. The surrender of the circuit riding preacher looked very different from the surrender of young pastors who pioneered Christian education in the seventies. The Evangelist Billy Graham's surrender looked very different than the surrender of the godly young father who mines coal for a living, prays for his family, and attends church...but the surrender is no less obedient...no less valuable to God. Different faces, different lives...same surrender. Same Jesus being evidenced in so many different ways.
     If we are to ever experience hope and then share it with those around us, it will only be when we surrender ourselves to HIS hope and HIS will, and often to HIS brutal honesty. If our children only ever see the face of Jesus like the one on paper fans at our old tent revivals and never see Him in the surrendered single mom or the tatoo-ed biker at the rest stop, we haven't shown them Jesus. If we believe Jesus would walk into our campmeetings in a flashy suit and shiny cuff links, we have moved past the Man who made Himself of no reputation and took on the form of a servant. If we keep convincing ourselves and our children the results of surrender are dress codes, music genres, and exclusivity, we are surrendering to something besides Jesus. Eventually, the trends will change, the crowd will move on, and they will be left searching for the Jesus we told them would never leave or forsake them. Their only hope...our only hope is a resounding cry of surrender.

"If with courage and joy we pour ourselves out for Him and for others for His sake, it is not possible to lose, in any final sense, anything worth keeping. We will lose ourselves and our selfishness. We will gain everything worth having." - Elisabeth Elliot

Why I Gave Up & Why You Should, Too

     A short & sweet reminder that you only have ONE responsibility as a believer (especially dedicated to pastors, leaders, teachers, etc):

     Practical righteousness (simply, righteousness practiced or lived out) isn't about who works most or who works best. It's about who most readily surrenders to the work the Holy Spirit is doing in them. The work is God's responsibility. Surrender is my only responsibility. The Church has divided into sects...each of us marching under our own banners (conservatism, liberalism, denominational, contemporary, traditional.) All the while, the God of Heaven is searching for hearts surrendered and lives selflessly laying down their agendas and, instead, waving a white flag of total surrender to His Spirit.
     I cannot imagine what we would see in our communities if believers would:
(1) Live every moment with an awareness of His Presence. He is IN us! He not only heard what they said or saw how they acted, He felt it and instantly began working to heal the hurt it caused you (and them.) Don't nurse the grudge He wants to heal.
(2) Simply cooperate with the work He wants to do in & through us. At the end of the day, the week, the lifetime...we will answer to Jesus for how completely we surrendered. Any rewards we earn will be a result of the work we allowed HIM to do through these temporal bodies. This life is the vapor...the flower that withers...the blip on the radar of eternity. Heaven will be worth every headache and every heartache.
(3) Be patient with the work He is doing in others. What you perceive to be a downfall in someone may actually be a sign of their surrender to something much bigger God is doing under the surface. Paul had a "thorn in the flesh" that many most likely perceived as a shortcoming or fault, but it was, in reality, something God had left as a testimony of His grace in Paul's life...an imperfection used to perfect Paul's faith.
     Practically living out this Christian life as vessels surrendered to something (Someone) much bigger than ourselves takes all of the accountability and criticism we have been needlessly & pridefully shouldering and places it all over on Jesus. (He can handle it!) That complete surrender is our only hope of being free of discontentment and discouragement and free to do something supernatural in a natural world.

"For it is God which worketh in you both to will and to do of his good pleasure. Do all things without murmurings and disputings: That ye may be blameless and harmless, the sons of God, without rebuke, in the midst of a crooked and perverse nation, among whom ye shine as lights in the world; Holding forth the word of life; that I may rejoice in the day of Christ, that I have not run in vain, neither laboured in vain." Philippians 2:13-16

Standing Outside the Fire Part 3 - The Fire

Standing Outside the Fire (part 2) - The Furnace

Standing Outside the Fire (Part 1) - Sinai & Zion

Battle Cry

My mind keeps thinking of how Jeremiah pictured Rachel, risen from her grave, weeping over the children of Israel being carried into captivity in Babylon. How many times have we wept with Rachel for Israel? Surely, now is a time for us to rise and weep over the captivity of our children. The captivity of their hearts and minds...the seemingly unstoppable procession of children marching off to their deaths at the hands of drug addiction, sexual perversion, and a world system deceived by relativism. The parents, grandparents, and friends grieving today will tell you that there is nothing at all relative about what happened at that school in Florida, yesterday. The hands they held for the last time were very real flesh and blood, and the caskets they'll close in the coming weeks are very material testaments to a very real and present evil.
In Jeremiah 31:16-17, God comforts Rachel with the promise that "they shall come again from the land of the enemy...there is hope in thine end...thy children shall come again to their own border." We must weep with the promise in mind, but the weeping is a prerequisite of the promise. God help us and guard us against minds that are desensitized and hearts hard to the reality of what evil unchecked is determined to accomplish. The days of nominal Christianity are over. Today, we repent and we weep...and our weeping serves as a battle cry to the God of Heaven. He has been ready to avenge, but He is waiting for our cry.