Lord, I Need You

     A few weeks back, at choir practice, we began to practice a song we sang years ago in a Christmas program.  As much as I love the song, I remembered standing with my choir during that year’s play, weeping uncontrollably.  I was mortified.  I just couldn’t stop.  The memory of sobbing publicly isn’t what bothered me in choir practice, though.  As soon as the first line began to play that evening, my heart ached to know that the situation that bothered me so much that night, nearly ten years ago, bothers me today.  If anything about it has changed, it is only that its grip seems stronger, its casualties many more, and the hope of it ever changing seems nearly dissolved.  As relieved as I felt that it was easier to choke back the tears over it (because when I lose it, it gets UGLY, y’all!), something about that left me uneasy.  I felt more uncomfortable that I was uncomfortable where I should feel most comfortable.  Does that make sense?

      I was cursed to be born with the desire to do my very best at everything I do…unless it’s something I hate to do.  And if it’s something I don’t do well, I hate it.  Does that make sense?  I’m a good laugher.  I like to laugh.  Laughing is my friend.  We’re buds, me and Laughing.  But I don’t cry well.  Therefore, I hate crying.  I ignore it and avoid it at all costs. So, if you see me crying, then something has defeated me.  I’ve lost the fight.  Crying and I went toe to toe, and I got whipped.  I know the distaste for appearing vulnerable is rooted in pride, so I hate that, too.  So, I try not to appear vulnerable to keep from appearing prideful.  Yes, I know.  More pride.  But then, to say I hate my pride would sound prideful.  Does that make sense?  Back to the song…

     As they practiced, and I wrestled, it occurred to me that having discarded hope of the situation changing was a far deeper root of pride than not wanting folks see me cry.  Job 8:13 comes to mind here.  “So are the paths of all that forget God; and the hypocrite's hope shall perish:” To know He is Almighty, yet entertain the thought that we can really know His final decision in a matter (besides the absolutes of Scripture, of course) is forgetting who He is, and to personally know Him, but believe He doesn’t consider every desire of my heart is hypocritical.  And, take it from someone who has learned the hard way…it only leaves you hopeless. 

     I didn’t cry that night…not there, anyway.  But, be sure that at home late in the night, God and I discussed the matter and I found myself where I usually find myself…needing more of Him.  And, as I tried to croak out the words to that song, He assured me He knew how much I needed Him and that He was in control of the situation.  Of course, He is.

     But, let the record show…I still hate crying.  I still hate what makes me cry and what makes me not want to cry, too.  Does that make sense?

                           “It is good that a man should both hope and quietly wait for  

the salvation of the LORD.” Lamentations 3:26

LORD, I NEED YOU

By Ron Hamilton

Sometimes when life seems gentle and blessings flood my way,
I turn my gaze away from You and soon forget to pray.
But when the sky grows darker and courage turns to fear,
My anxious voice cries upward with words you long to hear.

Lord, I need You when the sea of life is calm.
O Lord, I need You when the wind is blowing strong.
Whether trials come or cease, keep me always on my knees…
Lord, I need You. Lord, I need You.

Lord, help me to remember I'm weak but You are strong.
I cannot sing apart from You, for Lord You are my song.
Although I'm prone to wander and boast in all I do;
Lord keep my eyes turned upward so I depend on You.

Lord, I need You when the sea of life is calm.
O Lord, I need You when the wind is blowing strong.
Whether trials come or cease, keep me always on my knees…

Lord, I need You.  Lord, I need You.